one month down, a million to go

I realized that I totally neglected this blog until I checked it today and had two comments!

I'll give a short re-cap. My guy started law school and after the first week, I realized just how different things were going to be. We live together, so for better or for worse, we're both around a lot. The first two to three weeks were the hardest. I would get home from work and want to talk and cuddle and hang out like we always did before. But he would be studying, moody, distant and needed quiet. I understood that, and it got to a point where I was literately hiding in my house because i felt he was angry and stressed all the time. I'd come home and hide out in my room and read, or purposely make plans so I wouldn't be home until after 8 or 9 at night, giving him a few hours to himself. I felt resentful that the time I had with him had been compromised so much.

I knew that he would have to study, and that it would take up most of his time. But I had no idea how drastic of a change it would be. Granted, we've been friends for over 5 years, lived together for over one year, and had been officially dating for a few months, but i'd gotten used to coming home, having dinner together (or not), watching a movie, and cuddling/talking for a few hours. Now, i'm cuddling with my body pillow trying to ignore the fact that law school had officially taken over his life. I was really torn between understanding that law school is a huge commitment and he was stressed out and trying to get everything done, to feeling abandoned and put on the back burner. I made him breakfast, I gave him space, I gave him quiet and I didn't get anything in return.

Since that unpleasant transition, things have gotten much smoother. We've settled back into a routine, one that is a little more doable. Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays are rough. I'm learning how to back off, to respect his space, and to not bug him when he's studying. He set me up with his old computer (mine doesn't work) and I found my old headphones, so I can watch movies. I got sucked into the Twilight books, and rediscovered my passion for reading which has been awesome. I've read a lot of books lately. I realized I was catering my schedule around him and that it wasn't healthy, so I purposely try to make plans with friends on these days because I have been neglecting them. I'm trying to make it clear that yes, I respect his need for quietness and everything while he's studying, but that the dining room is not his office and yes, it will be noisy sometimes.

I started having some serious doubts about our relationship last week, and he could tell when I got home that something was different. I'd read Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages." Religious or not, the book was helpful in that it laid out five simple languages that make people feel they are loved and how they love in return. It was good to read because it's the same thing in friendships, how do you show people you care about them? The concept is that there is a love tank, and when that tank is empty, that's when people are unhappy. When they figure out which "language" makes them feel most loved and the partner loves them in that way, the love tank will never be empty.

They are:
1. Words of affection: do you need someone giving you compliments, affirmation, saying "thank you" and "i appreciate when you...", encouraging words, sharing feelings and thoughts?
2. Quality time: do you need someone to spend time with you doing things you enjoy (NOT just sitting and watching a movie... something you do together where you interact), getting someones full attention, getting quality conversation, sympathetic listening, and/or expressing their thoughts and feelings and emotions?
3. Receiving gifts: do you need little reminders that someone loves you, feel unwanted if your partner doesn't make or get you anything, or need the partner to physically be with you in a time of crisis?
4. Acts of service: do you need someone who does things for you, who makes you breakfast, who cleans the house?
5. Physical touch: do you need someone who always wants a hug, initiates intimacy/physical touch, who holds you (or would you rather not be touched and be left alone) etc?

After reading it and highlighting like mad (with lots of notes), I was kind of disappointed to find that I don't speak one language. I don't think that's the point though, and I went back and reassessed. It is most important to me to have quality conversation, to feel appreciated, to spend time together, and to be affectionate. It hurts my feelings most when I don't get quality conversation, when he doesn't notice all the things I do for him, when he shuts himself off and I do n't get to spend time with him, and when is unresponsive to my hugs and neck rubs.

The upside to all of this though, is the weekends. I understand that Friday through Sunday he'll probably have 5 or so hours of reading to do each day, so we plan our hang out time around it. Since it's the weekend and he has 24 hour access to the law school, it's much more flexible.

Sometimes I get ahead of myself and freak out, wondering "is this what it's always going to be like? studying/working all the time, having to schedule time to hang out, never seeing him during the week and putting up with long hours and moodiness?" and the answer is, well, yes. I knew this before I got into it, it just took/takes time to adjust to the change. It's helpful when we talk about how we're feeling and how I respect his need to study, but that he can't just treat me like a roommate because i'm his girlfriend and need girlfriend attention. So I'm learning to appreciate that weekdays are my days to get things done by myself, and not to expect happy fun guy, but to look forward to the weekends when he has more time to spend with me and his/our friends when he's more relaxed and not as worried about school. I lucked out, in that my guy is pretty great at time management, and makes time (sometimes) during the week and always on the weekend.

I guess my biggest piece of advice is to just ride it through until a routine is started and you've settled into it. There were lots of tears the first three weeks, but I'm starting to feel more confident that things will be okay. Plus, I feel like I'm getting a secondhand education in law, because he talks about it ALL. THE. TIME. And it's nice to see someone you care about excited and invested in what they're doing.

But every time i hear "torts" i still think pastries.